hey! it’s been a while. sorry. have a seat! i made you some tea. hold on, let me move some stuff and… there. how have you been? have you been well? have you been going through a series of metamorphoses? have you been the person your younger self needed? are you being kind to yourself? are you aware it’s not too late to make this life everything you wish it could be? hmm. yes yes. damn. sounds like a lot. especially the psycho-sexual freakout and freudian realisations. yeah. you’re so right! downloading hinge and hitting a weed pen would fix you. most geopolitical conflicts even. i really respect how right you are all the time.
how’ve i been? oh!! well.
so. my childhood home is being sold
i knew this was going to happen for a year in advance, but the speed at which it progressed was a bit confronting. my parents are retiring to the country, but went and bought unit in the cbd to act as a place to stay when they need, and where i’m staying until i can move out again. i got to stay at the house in the final few months before the plug was pulled, helping my parents who’re getting on a bit move boxes and pack away furniture, so i feel like i quietly grieved throughout without even noticing. like, i made my peace well in advance. i lived in that house all my life (or at least, it’s been a place i could come back to readily when i lived elsewhere). the day of moving everything out was surprisingly cordial. i woke up, went to work, came ‘home’ somewhere else. that was it.
allow me to expand on a single sentence from my last blog.
semi-recently, on election day no less, i went to my local bookshop, run by a local charity operating out of my kindergarten. i’ve only been in two or three times since it opened up a decade and a half ago; i have a love-hate relationship with second hand bookstores. on one hand, you’ll find books you never thought to buy browsing a chain store, on the other, five shelves dedicated to mystery or war thriller books (genres i have no interest in personally). last time i went in, i got a mini dictionary of music terms, it was the only thing i could think of i’d like. this time, i found a few other gems. edgar allen poe. arthur miller. joseph heller. a thick introduction to digital photography. the total was $10.
this aside, i found it a profounding, weird experience. putting aside the fact i actually ran another chapter of this charities organisation myself five years prior, a venture i left abruptly and now was completely alienated from, i found that more jarringly that i remembered the rooms that were obviously repurposed into varying forms of bookshelves., my experiences as a toddler and more broadly, early childhood. i remembered playing in the sandpit with plastic brachiosauruses. taking a fat fucking chunk out of my knee when i was 4, looking at the crater of blood and seeing black spots floating in it. i remembered my parents making a certificate for my brother and i to welcome us to kindergarten. it had a sticker of an apple on it. getting mad when i realised school was in fact 5 days a week, and thinking it wasn’t fair how the weekend was only 2. the fact i would only eat dried fruits and nuts for morning tea because i hated everything else. wandering into the teacher’s office when she was out, going on the computer to find a word doc full of clipart of cheetahs, being confused i never saw it handed out later as a worksheet.
i guess my point is, or atleast to wrangle one out, is that it’s awfully funny how some of our deepest memories can be right around the corner, both figuratively and literally, yet a world away. groundbreaking stuff over at t-amadan industries. we receive 4.3 trillion from foreign investors a month for this shit. top scientists. loudest gas. technology that won’t ever hit the public sector. all for: man nostalgia weird huh #throwbackthursdays.
tangent aside, i think part of the reason i’m not crying and shitting on the floor is i feel like i’ve made some amazing strides recently, my life is moving on, it’s only natural the surroundings would too. deeply sad!!! deeply, deeply sad. but it never was going to be otherwise, and atleast i have the confidence to know wherever i’ll go, i’ll be alright. it’s a luxury i didn’t have for a long time, so boy howdy am i going to capitalise off that.
on this shelf, i bare most of my wordly possessions, including my degree; censored for my convenience.
psp
i got a psp!! in the lead up to getting a ds as a young lad, my dad (who's remarkably queued into the tech space for a man 45 years my senior) kept recommending i get a psp instead considering it has all the bells and whistles a handheld could have in 2009. music, video player, photo browser, internet browser, online storefront, console quality capital g gaming. i of course got a ds anyway because it was all the rage in the late 2000s. 2 years later i got a psp 3000, partially on a whim, partially after regretting my decision when i realised i could listen to skrillex and smite the pantheon on the same device. i was absolutely glued to it until it died 3 years later.
i flirted with getting one for a while, i don't tend to make big purchases (read: over $100aud) for myself that often. a man can only satiate his desire for ridge racer 2004 through emulation for so long, until he dreams of tactile buttons and an xmb menu again. i got one from japan for a very nice bloke who gave me a pack of pokemon cards and a heartfelt wish to continue business. splendid. i learnt pretty quickly however that the cmos battery was causing some mad power drainage during off-hours, so i bucked the fuck up and took it apart, snapping off the contact that connects it to the motherboard, a perfectly viable solution in lieu of replacing it via desolder/re-solder. in the process though, the membrane for the face buttons / right button became faulty, and the screen took a tumble. i replaced said membrane and fitted it with the best aftermarket battery money could buy, which didn't solve the issue, instead fucking up the other buttons. a massive blow to the ego. a new unit it is.
i have a weird relationship with this very tech-y stuff. on one hand, i consider myself a creature of art, nature, whimsy, creation. when i told someone my current job (sales at a diy electronics shop) they described that as a ‘very nick job’ which made my skin crawl.
NO
I WISH TO CONDUCT CONCERTOS OF MY OWN CREATION. BE A MAN OF THE ROMANTIC ARTS, EXUDE MUSICAL TALENT FROM EVERY PORE OF MY SKIN. BE COOL I GUESS. ABSORB MYSELF IN THE SPLENDOR OF THE ABSTRACT JOYS OF LIFE.
fuck
on the other hand, i must admit i quite enjoy taking apart these sorts of things. i feel knowledgeable. capable. i like to pretend i'm an engineer in the late 70s and early 80s at sony, nec, motorola. completely in the zone, soldering, assembling, inspecting with precision and intention unmatched by any assembly line. it's a late night, my tie is ratty, it's been a long day. the wife and kids are waiting at home, but not before me and seth from procurement and grab a hard drink from an establishment we can smoke in.
music stuff + a very raw confession
a few people have been asking to see my music recently. people i meet, those i tell of my escapades in the local scene. i have a confession to make.
i really don’t have much to show, but i’m trying.
i tend to get ideas quite easily for just about anything. a sick guitar riff. nice vocal line. a cool texture. but a full song? something i’m proud of that, something that is authentically me instead of just ‘here is me throwing together a yacht rock song because it’s easy and fun?’. no. i have little. its frustrating. i see people around me managing. people i’ve known for years, never noticing their musical streaks suddenly perform gigs. while i sit and spitefully (and quite selfishly) lament that somehow, it should be me up there, despite not ever fully committing to a project or wasting time on mindless distraction. truly ugly feelings, let’s be real. i need to be better. there’s a reason my soundcloud isn’t linked here, and that the bio for it is:
no, i’m not dead. yes, i’m trying.
up until now, i’ve been making many excuses for why i haven’t hit the ground running. i don’t have a space to record, this relationship is too draining, i’m going through transformative periods, i’m focussing on employment. not that any of these aren’t true, but i think it ultimately comes down to the fact i cannot be creative and myself when i’m under stress, and honestly? last few months have been the epitome of stress and dissociation. not noticing the beauty around me, just drifting.
but i’m starting to get it back. slowly. i’m romanticising the many aspects of my life, even if just for a moment. i don’t know what this means, i can’t make any promises, but i know i’m capable. idk. i want to believe i’m capable. and it just so happens i’ve gotten some recording work recently and been able to network, so being able to work in a studio has given me renewed hope that all is not lost. we’ll get there, slime.
blog meta narrative
i have a conundrum with this blog. i wanted to do a redesign in the new year, inspired by the work of kenji itoh. i spent a few hours in canva unable to make a focused concept, so it was largely scrapped. problem is though, i feel like this blog needs more colour. the layout is awfully basic. this is partially because the tutorial i followed when setting this up used this as the basic layout, and i’m scared of css. mostly however, it’s a functional setting that speaks to minimalism and requires little upkeep. the possibilities… they are endless… and i feel like i’d struggle to pull a more functional design from the ether with that lack of limitation. but still. colour. there could be some changes soon!!! i’m thinking about making a photoblogging section that could satiate my need to explore the visual palette more. i feel like i'm in a place of needing to flesh out the blog a little, but want to avoid my usual tendency to add idea upon idea and keep things neat, functional, tidy ect.
what else? work has been kicking up. practically full time. wrangling a theatre show together. going over to ika’s and watching king of the hill while so blasts through cones and we talk about love, life, family, self-destruction. some recording work. friends have been doing amazing shit. i’ll tell you next time i see you.
foxing self titled
i crashed into this while watching an 1886 video. never seen one? awh man it’s a trip. it’s fucked cunt, get amongst it. weirdly poetic. anyway, the opening song fucking rips, and it’s taken me a minute to tour the album in full, but i’ve cemented secret history, hell 99 and barking as my favourite songs off of this fucking banger. so many amazing quotes. sonically all over the place while being consistently well produced and realised. resonates with my deepest joyful reckless abandon, much like 1886 videos themselves. i also discovered neutral milk hotel through them. god damn dude. i fucking love this youtube channel so much. it’s fucked up, it’s chaotic, it’s deeply nihilistic, it’s destructive, it’s brilliant. fuck. fuck. fuuuuuuuuuuu-
more eden demos
i found leaks by complete accident. life is good. it feels like peering into an alternate universe.
a sailor song - gigi perez
UNRELENTING YEARNING MUSIC YESSSSSS. PRETEND IM LOOKING OUT ON A BAY IN MAINE DURING THE WINTER WITH SNOW GRACING THE SKY AND THE WIND BELLOWING. I NEED HER BOUNCING AND MOANING ON IT, AS THE KIDS SAY. FUUUUUUUUCK.
gamey gamey game
i caught up with a good friend of mine to do some mastering recently. or atleast, i sat in while he very casually displayed great skill. after we went back to his, had some dinner, some ‘desert’ (read: drugs and debauchery) and he showed me this comedy show gamey gamey game hosted by an assortment of comedians in naarm, all roughly connected to aunty donna. the premise is simple. it’s a gaming talk show run by evan, a manager who has contributed a ridiculous amount to the australian comedy scene, keeping people on payroll during covid. it also happens that he is a horrible show runner, doesn’t know how to play off bits, and probably has no self respect. every episode, he’s joined by comedians far too talented to be on the show, but not successful enough to be doing anything else on a friday night and know it. put simply, it’s a beautiful mess of entertainers, desperately trying to make something funny while the person in charge just wants to talk about games, but has no real estate in the room, and has to be certifiably insane to be putting this much care and effort into something so unfocussed. the most aggressive pan- handling for comedy, vigorously rattling a steel tube with a shred of flint in it, trying to strike out. but god damn, every now and then, it’ll fucking strike. by itself it’s just entertaining background noise. if you have any interest in the meta-narrative and craft of comedy and production, it’s genuinely the funniest thing you’ll ever watch.
city of god
i’m gonna paraphrase the lettrboxd review. usually when something gets 5 stars for me it’s because i’ve sat with it for an extended period of time to fully appreciate it or because i’ve gaslit myself into fawning over it. city of god wasn’t like that. very quickly i could tell what it was getting at, and i was hooked. late night parties. vacuous brutality. skittish teenage love. vignettes of irrecoverable poverty. the strength to fight and dream anyway. shoutout hannah hains.
honestly, this is probably half of what i’ve been up to, but for now, i gotta go see a man about a dog. part 2 coming soon?? idk. a lovely chat as always, i hope that thing with that codependent situationship works out. until next time!