(Content warning: the mental image of a man's ass)
As some of you might know, I got my ears pierced recently. I wanted to talk about that.
My partner Lily got her thirds done a few months ago after getting a gift voucher for SkinKandy, and while I was in there the thought hit me.
"I always kinda wanted to get me ears pierced, why don't I???" It was the same reasoning for my first tattoo (I have 2 now, and hopefully more soon).
The first part of that statement can sit on its own. I thought others looked cool with them, I thought I could dig it, it's a medium for self-expression, as pretentious as that sounds. The second half... A bit more complex.
It took me until about 18 to start really thinking about what kind of clothes I wanted to wear. Up until that point, I mostly wore graphic t-shirts, chinos and Connie's, the kind of manufactured cool that came with 'Boston Street Skate Club est. 1968' that only out-of-touch adults could could come up with at a board room. I also had a brief floral shirt stint, bit we don't talk about that. Not helping, my parents quite 'conservative' and more moderate. My mum's a nurse and my dad was in government and law. And while my dad has a very 'do as you please' approach, he always made sure I knew how he felt about what I 'pleased'. My my mum on the other hand was a lot more hands-on with her commentary, telling me I couldn't wear such-and-such, that looked ridiculous looking like that, that at 20, I was still too young to get a tattoo. A lot of this, was lack of agency. I didn't have a job in high-school, so any money I got went to other more pressing 'needs' like eating out with friends. The rest was just not consciously thinking about it, I only needed clothes for weekends, every other day I was wearing the same catalogue of uniform.
When I got into University, I quickly realised that I not only had more money at my disposal to buy clothes, but that as an adult, I needed to start thinking of what it was people saw me in. I decided to be a bit androgynous. Sweaters, cardigans, corduroy, nothing particular feminine, but not covered in testosterone either. Partially, I just liked comfy clothes. The larger problem though, is that I never really liked the idea of being 'hyper masculine'. I wrote essays in high-school which dealt with topics such as men's mental health, toxic masculinity and 'left'-leaning politics. Looking back, a lot of what I considered 'left' could probably have me classified as a white moderate, but I was trying. To really interrogate my fashion proclivities though, is to talk about how:
And not to contribute to the right's Fruedian view of gender and sexuality but,
So getting earrings, something that can considered step 1 of gender non-conformity seemed like a no brainer. So I got them pierced.
I'm at the stage now where they've healed, at least enough to put other ones in. I've got some coming in the mail of my own, and I'm borrowing my partner's for the meantime. But when I looked in the mirror after putting my first pair on that wasn't a standard ball, something happened. I saw the dangle on that made me feel like a mage in Final Fantasy; and I felt like I had reclaimed some of that femininity that I lost in recent years.
Quite frankly it's absurd to me that people have met me after I shaved my head in October 2022 (a response to the dreaded Norwood Scale), and even more people after I grew my beard in September 2020, two very masculine features. I wouldn't call myself and insecure person typically, I have aspects of my body that I don't particularly like, same as everyone, but insecure to the point that I try to hide or cover up aspects? No. Going bald, while certainly not ideal and not my first pick for a hairstyle (see also: Hozier probably), is something that I realistically can deal with just fine.
That isn't to say I don't think about how other's perceive me. A running joke I have is that I look like the average Redditor (not helped by having Aeroplane over the Sea on vinyl), and like a younger version of a coworker I hate. I look at my pot-belly, a tradgety of genetics and bad habits, and go "fuck, I want to sort that out". My teeth need braces, my ass is ridiculously flat (told ya). But I don't feel 'ashamed' the same way others do. For that I am greatful. I am simply aware that people will make judgement calls on what kind of person I am at a glance, same as everyone, and I try not to value those opinions. I value the opinions of people who know me. Because those who do will know my hyper-niche light-academia, goblincore, Aryan trapstar, sadboy, Pinterest-obssessed, mid/late-century jazz, weeaboo, dedicated leftist, modern romantic, postmodern-industrial, shit-posting self. And if you do, then thank you, and I'm deeply, deeply sorry.
That idea of perception has always been interesting. As someone on the spectrum, I tend to also out people in boxes to easily figure out who I might get along with, usually a combination of fashion and music taste is my starting point. But I realised recently my closest friends, the people I like spending the most time with, are those who have proved me wrong, refusing to be categorised. People who are probably aware of the mould they 'fit' to the outside eye, but not apologetic about when they do something against it, non-conformist if you will. It was a real eye-opening thought about the complexity of human beings, and considering how I don't appreciate being 'boxxed' made me really reconsider my approach to others.
All of this, is to say that
1. You've spent however long reading about me, I am truly sorry I made you expect greater, deeper insights.
And
2. After a long time, I think I'm finally comfortable in my own skin.
Except the Redditor thing. Fuck Reddit. Blog on that one soon.
Until then, be kind to yourself, and trade your upvotes for bitches or something idk please get off r/gaming I guess.